I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
