Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
