He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
