I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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