he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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