Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
