The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
