Your mouth is God's brothel.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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