I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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