Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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