i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
