grandma shit on top of the toilet
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
