My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
