Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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