I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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