The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
