I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
