So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
