Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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