in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You pole danced in your parka.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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