Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
