this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
