Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
