My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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