Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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