and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
did i walk over a car last night?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
