You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
