I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
