the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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