Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
