My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
