Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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