Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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