I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
