so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
All I want is dick and wine.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
