His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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