He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
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