i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
