end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
God I need to hump something, right now.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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