Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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