You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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