why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
