I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
