pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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