theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
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