do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
