I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
