Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
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YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?