her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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