you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.