you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
