Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
