I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
FUCK WHALES
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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