Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
