I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My liver just had a heart attack.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
