I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
