I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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