You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You did what with his pubic hair?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
