We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
