Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
