remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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