If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
