Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
