I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
